What is narcissistic abuse?

The term narcissist has become a commonly used word in society but is often misunderstood. When one thinks of a narcissist, the typical vision is a boastful, exploitive, self-centered individual, who likes to show off their possessions and/or looks, with an inflated sense of self. One could never imagine a seemingly humble, quiet and unassuming individual to be a narcissist. While popular media portrays the boastful narcissist, the stealth narcissist remains an elusive concept. Though both types of narcissists manifest similar underlying feelings and motives, they manifest these symptoms in completely different ways. While the grandiose narcissist is at least predictable, in essence you can see them coming, the vulnerable narcissist can trick the most discerning individual in a relationship, due to their extremely cunning ways.

The covert narcissist, unlike the grandiose narcissist, tends to not outwardly display their symptoms, and can be best described as an “introverted narcissists.” Though, they have the same underlying characterology of a typical grandiose narcissist, they stealthily hide their exploitive nature via presenting as loving and kind. Initially, they may engage in love-bombing, as they woo their partners with words of praise and talk of a soul mate connection, but as they become more comfortable with their partners, their masks slip. The romantic partners often wonder what happened to that loving, seemingly honest person they fell in love with, only to find out that person was just an illusion who never really existed.

Covert narcissists are exploitive, manipulative, and often appear as kind and caring, as they inflict their insidious abuse on their victims and cause a great deal of emotional damage to their intimate partners. They engage in emotional abuse tactics such as gaslighting or attempts to confuse their partners into doubting one’s own perception of events, as well as constant promises to change unhealthy behaviors (i.e.: infidelity, financial abuse, addictions), with no intention to make changes, only becoming sneakier in hiding their mischievous behaviors.

Typical signs of narcissistic abuse in intimate relationships tend toward similar patterns as follows:

1. Questioning yourself constantly (Is it me or is it them?)

2. Confusion and the need to find answers as to what is happening when things feel off or stories don’t match up (often that “gut feeling” that something isn’t right with the person you are with).

3. Noticing that situations never get resolved with your partner no matter how hard you try

4. Noticing that your partner rarely if ever apologizes and tends toward blaming you for their indiscretions (If you were this or that I wouldn’t have sought attention elsewhere). However, only mentioning these supposed flaws after they got caught in an indiscretion.

5. Noticing that your partner may have an almost chameleon like self, which changes based on who they are with. Displaying duplicitous behaviors such as in your relationship with them, they may tell you how happy they are in your relationship, while simultaneously flirting with others online, creating profiles on dating sites, etc. and having a “secret life” while acting perfectly happy with your relationship.

6. Finding yourself making excuses for your partner’s toxic behaviors such as “She had a bad childhood, I just need to love her more and she will change” or “No one is perfect.”

7. Often feeling a sense of uneasiness regarding your relationship, but unable to describe why you feel this way

8. Being told by your abusive partner that you are jealous, needy or controlling if you question suspicious acts you find them engaging in (i.e.: inappropriate online chats/emails, becoming secretive with their phone, such as locking phone, deleting histories, and not wanting you to see their phone activities).

9. Noticing that many of their stories don’t add up, details changing in stories, lies start to surface

10. Increased anxiety, unexplained medical problems (i.e.: stress related) and feeling constantly worn down or fatigued as the relationship progresses.

This is not a comprehensive list, but a guide regarding only a few signs of abuse. Your individual situation will vary. If you feel you need answers or assistance in this area, please contact me to discuss further.